Third Responders™: First in Spirit, Last in Jurisdiction.
Welcome to the official EMWV Security Team homepage. While police enforce the law and fire departments save lives, we preserve the vibe — unarmed, unpaid, and completely unstoppable (mostly because we have laminated paperwork).
🔍 Our Mission
- To Serve, Surveil, and Cite: Ensuring total compliance with HOA guidelines, perceived etiquette, and any rules we believe should exist.
- To Document: If it wasn’t written down, it didn’t happen. If it was written down, it will be referenced forever.
- To Escalate: Calmly. Respectfully. In triplicate.
👮 Our Elite Team
Comprised of retired HVAC contractors, former mall cops, and a rotating cast of volunteers on a “neighborhood watch probationary tier.” Our authority is symbolic. Our confidence is binding.
⚙️ Our Capabilities & Jurisdiction
- Citizen’s Citations: Loud wind chimes, unlicensed lemonade operations, sidewalk chalk exceeding 12 square feet, and unapproved garage sales.
- Tactical Operations: Clipboard ambushes, passive‑aggressive note drops, and sidewalk “presence.”
- Suspicious Activity Monitoring: Out‑of‑state plates, cargo shorts in winter, teens (general category), and unlicensed drone vibes.
📰 Recent HOA Notices & Violations
Freshly documented by clipboard. Updated whenever we feel a disturbance in the cul‑de‑sac.
- 🎅 Official EMWV Security Team Christmas Greeting & Mandatory Holiday Compliance Notice
- SECURITY UPDATE: WiFi Network Naming Convention – SSID Standardization Mandate
- WINTER PROTOCOL: Snowman Construction Guidelines – Frosty Compliance Standards
- Package Delivery Security Protocols – Strict Enforcement
- Mandatory Visitor Registration Protocol – No Exceptions
- Website Restoration Complete – We Are Back Online
- Holiday Decoration Guidelines: HOA-Approved Winter Holidays Only
- CRITICAL ALERT: Teen Activity Monitoring – Suspicious Behavior Protocol
- MANDATORY EVENT: Prince K-9 Retirement Parade – Community Celebration Required
- COMMUNITY NOTICE: Vehicular Noise Ordinance Update – Bass Ban Enforcement
🚨 Emergency Procedures (Real Emergencies Only)
For TRUE emergencies only (open garage doors over 30 minutes, unlicensed lemonade stands, sidewalk chalk exceeding 12 square feet):
- Email: emergency@ewmv.com
- Subject format:
EMERGENCY - COMPLIANCE INCIDENT
False emergency reports will result in fines.
🔗 Quick Links
⚠️ Authority Disclaimer
While we are not recognized by any city, state, or federal agency, our presence alone is enough to compel most conflict‑avoidant homeowners to comply. We do not carry firearms, but we do carry printed screenshots from the HOA bylaws, often highlighted.