Reference: EMWV-SEC-2025-00148
Date: December 24, 2025
Classification: MANDATORY COMMUNITY NOTICE
Greetings, residents of East Mountain West View. On behalf of the Third Responders™, we extend our most formal and bureaucratically compliant holiday wishes. While others may celebrate with reckless abandon, we remain vigilant in our duty to preserve the structural integrity of our community’s aesthetic standards—even during this season of supposed “joy.”
🎄 A Message from Security Director (Retired HVAC Contractor) Frank
Fellow community members,
As we approach this holiday season, I want to take a moment to reflect on what truly matters: compliance, documentation, and the unwavering enforcement of standards that may or may not exist in our HOA bylaws.
This year, we’ve successfully maintained order through 47 garage door violations, 12 unlicensed lemonade operations, and one particularly egregious case of sidewalk chalk that exceeded acceptable dimensions by 3.2 square feet. These victories remind us that vigilance knows no season.
However, the holidays bring unique challenges. Increased foot traffic from visiting relatives. Unfamiliar vehicles with out-of-state plates. The potential for unapproved decorative displays. We are prepared.
🎁 Mandatory Christmas Light Synchronization Protocol
NEW REGULATION – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
After extensive observation and consultation with our clipboard-mounted compliance database, the EMWV Security Team has identified a critical issue: unsynchronized Christmas light blinking patterns.
Effective December 24, 2025, all residential Christmas light displays must adhere to the following mandatory synchronization requirements:
- Blink Rate Standardization: All blinking lights must pulse at a synchronized rate of exactly 1.2 seconds on, 0.8 seconds off. No exceptions. We have measured. We have documented. We will enforce.
- Color Sequence Compliance: Multi-colored light strings must follow the approved sequence: Red → Green → Blue → White → Yellow. Any deviation requires a written variance request submitted 14 business days in advance.
- Neighbor Synchronization: Adjacent properties must coordinate their light patterns to avoid “visual chaos” (defined as more than 0.3 seconds of desynchronization between properties).
- Quiet Hours Extension: All light displays must be powered off between 10:00 PM and 6:00 AM to prevent “ambient light pollution” that may interfere with our security patrols’ ability to detect unauthorized activity.
- Documentation Requirement: All light displays must be registered with the Security Office. Include: number of bulbs, total wattage, estimated synchronization accuracy (±0.1 seconds), and a signed affidavit confirming compliance with the approved color sequence.
Violation Penalties:
- First offense: Written warning and mandatory re-synchronization within 24 hours
- Second offense: $25 fine and required attendance at “Holiday Aesthetic Compliance Workshop”
- Third offense: $50 fine and potential removal of non-compliant lighting until proper synchronization is achieved
🚨 Holiday-Specific Security Concerns
While we appreciate the festive spirit (within approved parameters), we must address several holiday-related security risks:
- Unregistered Gift Delivery Vehicles: All delivery vehicles must display proper identification. Our patrols will be conducting random clipboard inspections.
- Excessive Wreath Density: More than two (2) wreaths per front-facing door constitutes “decorative over-saturation” and may result in a citation.
- Unapproved Caroling Groups: Any group of three (3) or more individuals singing in public spaces must obtain a “Seasonal Audio Activity Permit” from the Security Office at least 48 hours in advance.
- Gingerbread House Display Regulations: Outdoor gingerbread house displays are considered “temporary structures” and require a permit. Maximum size: 12 cubic feet. Must be removed within 48 hours of construction or face daily fines.
🎄 Our Gift to You: Increased Patrol Frequency
To ensure maximum compliance during this high-risk period, we are increasing our patrol frequency by 40%. Our security carts will be making rounds every 2.5 hours (instead of our standard 4-hour intervals) to monitor:
- Light synchronization accuracy
- Unapproved decorative installations
- Suspicious gift-wrapping activities in public spaces
- Potential violations of the “No Reindeer on Lawns” ordinance (Section 47-B, Subsection 12)
📋 How to Report Holiday Violations
If you observe any non-compliant holiday activities, please report them immediately:
- Email: emergency@ewmv.com (use subject line: “HOLIDAY VIOLATION – URGENT”)
- Phone: Our 24/7 hotline (operated by volunteers on probationary tier)
- In-Person: Flag down any passing security cart. We carry printed copies of all regulations.
Remember: False reports will result in fines. Accurate reports will be documented in triplicate.
🎁 Final Thoughts from the Third Responders™
As we close this official communication, we want you to know that while others may see the holidays as a time for relaxation and merriment, we see it as an opportunity to demonstrate our unwavering commitment to order, documentation, and the enforcement of regulations that may or may not have been formally adopted by the HOA board.
May your lights be synchronized, your wreaths be properly permitted, and your holiday spirit remain within approved aesthetic parameters.
Stay vigilant. Stay compliant. Stay within the lines.
— The East Mountain West View Security Team
“First in Spirit, Last in Jurisdiction”
P.S. Our annual “Holiday Compliance Excellence Award” will be presented to the residence with the most perfectly synchronized light display. Applications are due by December 23rd. The winner receives a laminated certificate and recognition in our monthly security report.